Out on the water

By chance we met that day, but it felt something more like fate. Like every accident, hiccup and suspected wrong turn, every relationship gone wrong, had all led me back here to you & it was the most glorious place to find myself. I felt free, I felt unstoppable, I felt like the real me before the world had gotten to me. The little hairs stood up on the back of my neck. There was instant electricity that sparked between us, it was like two magnets getting drawn together and everyone around us noticed the glow from our spark.

I never could have imagined something so perfect happening, but there I was starring into the eyes of this man, you, who turned my world around and made me feel incredible again. You made me feel like there was a possibility to be happy again in love. That maybe I could have my very own little piece of a fairy tale and meet a soul mate that just got me & I got them.

I want to be able to pause my story there & give a happily ever after but life has never seemed to be so straight with me or warm. Perhaps there is still a chance, or maybe my fears are proven correct once again. I think I merely speak too soon & get swept up in the emotion of it all when I feel so deeply. It catches me by surprise and I become shocked at my own reactions to things as my mind leaves my body.

I wish I had of just bit my tongue & held off on speaking out any of my feelings, or at least that you could have understood that it didn’t come out exactly how it was meant. I knew it wasn’t the time to say these things, but you queried my inner ramblings as I looked thoughtfully towards you. I just got carried away with the moment of feeling hope flood my heart again. No final decisions, expectations or grand romantic gestures. Just the feeling of peace, excitement and wonder. I was home.

I had been white knuckling my life for many years with all that has been thrust upon me in my life and so the build up and release of emotion was more than it should have been. I am the woman you met in that initial moment – Carefree, confident, relaxed, open & quick witted. I feel I stifled the spark and I’m sorry for that like you wouldn’t believe. Please don’t make a final judgement on us from one single glitch. Know that it was merely just a heart opening for the first time in many years & like a small child taking their first steps she stumbled & crashed head on carelessly into you.

She will be patient yet again, she is strong, she is independent and able. She was just naive & got caught up in the possibility of it all. She never meant to scare you

June 29, 2018 0

When love finds it hard to grow…

Sleepless nights trying to digest the lies you’ve given. My heart beats faster wondering what to reply, to be upfront or to let it slide yet again.

The hurt you cause is greater than any hurt to just myself. I see you hurt yourself over and over as you lose faith in all, knowing that even you lie to those who love you. I don’t even care so much about what I know you’re actually doing, but I care that you think so little of me that you think lying is the only way.

I’m not a pushy person like I know you think I am but if you lie to me you drive me deeper into my head where I overanalyse, I critique, I judge, because it’s the only thing keeping me sane & having some sense of self respect in that moment. Perhaps it’s just time for me to finally walk away. Saying that almost seems comical to me after running this marathon now for a few years too many. I feel like a failure that couldn’t crack the egg. Yet I know I can’t be that hard on myself, after all you padlocked it with an ever changing code & a web of lies. It’s your doing not mine. How was I ever going to get close enough. You even created a moat around that broken heart of yours.

All I ever wanted from you was for you to be real, some honesty & to share in some fun moments. All I feel has happened has been me tip toeing around trying not to say the wrong thing, which in turn has made me seem nothing like myself. No wonder it is the way it is, no wonder it hasn’t happened.

June 9, 2018 0

Untitled

I’ve gotten so good at pretending, I’ve managed to fool the world that i’m doing OK, have loads of friends and get invited out all the time by people really close to me. I model. I do charity work, creative projects. I have ample money and work. I party with loads of different friends. Yet the reality is me sitting here, tears streaming down my face wondering if anyone actually even truly cares about me at all. If it would be so bad if I just ended my life here and now to be done with the intense pain I feel.

So many people have taken their piece of me, and each time I have fallen in love it has been with someone that never even cared about me to begin with, yet they’ve always happily taken more than they should. It’s made me question myself so much now that I’m paralysed in my anxiety from it all and my level of self doubt. I can’t move forward I can’t move backwards. I smile through when anyone is around as I’m embarrassed to be anything other than a girl that seems to have it all together or at least mostly so. I need to be bright bubbly and polite. I don’t want everyone to hate the mess that my life has turned me into. I have shown my vulnerability over and over again only ever to be left standing in it all alone.

I have a percentage of my life where I have experienced wonderful things for sure, but that portion of my 34 years of life is only a maximum of 5% in total to the hell I have been in or felt the rest of my time here on earth. Each cancer, each person not understanding me, each death, each heartbreak, each anxiety has finally unravelled me so far I can’t even see the start of the thread anymore to pull myself back together. Now I’m just hiding and trying not to be found out but at the same time wanting desperately to be open and have someone understand.

I’m horrified at what I’m writing as I write this and knowing that I’m contemplating posting this just seems like total social suicide which for some reason seems so much worse than actual suicide. I guess because all I really want is to fit in. Looking down on myself I just hope that maybe someone understands this feeling and can appreciate the honesty or at least if people don’t get it, they can be more aware of what real depression and difficulties can do to someone. It’s not always out in the open and obvious. It’s often hidden behind smiles, beautiful social media posts and motivational quotes.

Not everyone is what they seem, i’ve witnessed that in others first hand. Everyone can have a good day just as everyone can have a bad day. Sometimes those bad days join into one long misery, while others have mostly the good days seamlessly strung together into a long and fruitful life.

Always be kind, always be open enough to never hold a grudge. Life is far too short and some will never get a chance to build enough positive memories to look back on a blessed life. We all struggle and some of us show it in different ways, some not at all.

#thisiswhatwritinglookslikewhenyouaredepressed

June 5, 2018 0

All I remember…

All I remember now is how comforting your voice was. The way you would sing to me & read me stories always igniting my curiosity & intellect. You would hold me and make me feel like everything was OK even when it wasn’t.

I used to remember your smell but now I’m not quite sure if it’s just a made up thing in my head. I remember your manicured hands & strong work ethic, even from a kids perspective. You were my rock, my calm amongst the storm, always.

Not being able to say goodbye has always played on my mind these past 25 years, it’s something I thought would fade over time but instead it seems to almost strengthen as remembering the shape of your face seems to fade. It’s why I’m the way I am I guess. I always want to keep in touch with those I love because I’m so scared to ever go through the same trauma of never getting a last goodbye. Maybe that’s why I never have really fit in. You don’t understand loss until someone no longer exists in this world that was apart of your soul. They can move, they can leave you, but when they pass on there is a finality to this knowledge that shakes you to your core and you actually feel the absence of their presence on this earth.

When I was 9 I didn’t think I’d ever be able to even breathe again & just wanted so desperately to be by your side, even if it meant passing on myself. My life didn’t seem worth living without you. I remember picking up that phone to listen in on mum’s conversation only to hear the worst news of my life as you had lost your battle with those hideous treatments. Nobody deserves to fight so long only to lose their fight. I still don’t know why you thought it best to send me away by myself. I would have witnessed the worst most gruesome sights & felt all the pain in the world just to see you again & to be there to at least say goodbye if you had to go.

I was always cranky with myself that as a 9 year old I didn’t fight harder to see you as you laid to rest. I was too polite and I hate that about myself. Nobody would let me near you. I was supposedly being protected when all it did was crush me & make it even harder for me to let go. I felt abandoned & isolated in my misery as I cried myself to sleep every night and every quiet moment in between that I had to myself. Maybe this void I feel will change for the better eventually. I somehow still have hope, but it’s making me tired now. R.I.P dad, I’ll love you always xoxo

June 3, 2018 0