To the other side

My feet on dry land but I feel like I am drowning. Drowning, sinking, into a thick heavy liquid of un-poured cement. I am scared if I settle for even a moment I’ll be buried in the heaviness forever. 50 feet under, petrified in grey. I must keep churning to keep the flow.

My body falls away as my minds turbulent spin distracts me. I can’t think my way out like before. I can’t move. I can’t breath.

I am trapped in an invisible vortex. Things seem calm on the outside but gravity is heavier here inside my mind. Each attempt at freedom only burrows me deeper within the cement as I try to crawl through the path I’ve been dealt. Sometimes I just wish it would swallow me whole so that I didn’t have to keep forcing my way. It felt so pointless now. Why am I so shackled when everyone else seems so free, so light, so carefree? They walk on air while I carry the worlds weight with each step.

The energies that be have me surrounded and my only way out, I can’t even be sure exists. Do I clutch onto hope to no avail? My finger tips and knuckles white from holding on too long. My nails starting to bleed from the pressure, knuckles are torn. Is this it? Don’t show me a sign, but lead the way. I can not handle cryptic gestures any longer. I need it to be real. Pull me through to the other side.

Night & Day

Life is not black and white but shades of blue and grey, of purples, greens and golds. Colours blend and darkness and light share sides. We only see from the perspective that we stand unless we are willing to open ourselves up to not always being the light.

We can never judge until we have identified as both the victim and the perpetrator. Not one living soul is born from only pure light or they would not have come into existence. It is the yin the yang, the too and fro, left and right, day and night. It is the force and the gentleness that creates this world and if we hide from either side or judge it without accepting the other we commit the most grand error of all. Our humanity becomes invisible and we can no longer accept ourselves completely or those around us.

It is not only the light that leads our way, but our darkness that lays the path that we must walk. We must love ourselves completely and embrace the scum as well as the splendour. JLF xx

Immortality

I got struck with this feeling today. Little morbid I guess but I don’t mind talking about taboo subjects (they’re only taboo because they either confront people about their own sense of control in their life or they embarrass people because of their own insecurities). I thought if I were to physically die tomorrow and I had set up my little app to keep posting those same pics we all do everyday on Instagram and Facebook, and all those enlightened quotes – I’d go on living in the lives of all those that “keep in touch” from afar through actions I did before I passed. It would probably take a long time before anyone would realise. Until of course it leaked on social media from someone who truly knows you. But theoretically I could live on for many years past my actual expiry date.

A friend of mine died a couple of years ago now, he took his own life and it amazes me to watch on and see the communication keep going on his page. It’s a space now for all those who loved him to voice their woes and deepest thoughts to him. Like a secret meeting place, or hidden journal. It’s really beautiful to know we are not all forgot long after we leave this earthly place. It’s just sad that the love we feel sometimes never gets expressed until the time has run out.

It just really struck a chord with me today. Do any of you still keep in contact with loved ones on the other side through a social media page like that? It’s a beautiful sentiment but then I think, where were we all when they were here in physical form. We get so caught up in our lives and career goals that we sometimes forget to stop and smell the roses 🌹have a laugh, get a little messy or ridiculous and just live. Life is so damn short. Social media isn’t real life and it’s never a true depiction of how someone is doing. Reach out to your friends, be kind to one another and never go to bed on an argument and I’m sure you won’t be disappointed or ever have to take the deepest of regrets to your own grave. The regret of not being there for someone you love, purely from being busy or thinking there’s always time. Make every moment count in the now. Don’t wait for tomorrow as sometimes it never comes xoxoxo

Reflections…

Don’t judge me by my coldness now, judge me by the person I was before I was damaged by you. That is the real me.

To you, I am only a product of all the things you did and said to me. I’m no idiot I understood more than you know of your lies.

This is why I changed before your eyes. Recoiling in fear from being lovingly and carefully mistreated.

You did it in such a way that you made me feel bad for your errors, taking them on as my own.

I am open, kind & loving. But to you I now seem closed off, bitter & distant. That is not me, but the reflection of your own actions and inner self.

A mirror turned inward can be one of the most confronting and painful things to experience, especially when you realise it’s true source.

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