Résumé

Never judge someone by what they are currently doing with their lives, believing it’s the whole picture. Humans are complicated, malleable and ever changing. Judge a soul, judge levels of kindness, of empathy, judge honesty and openness. Recognise potential, recognise talent & tenacity. Take note of inner strength. We are never always at our best and just think, are you the same person you were 10 years ago? 5 even?Did someone you meet bring out the best in you? And someone else the worst?

One day the person that seems to have everything may have nothing if you judge on superficial things. We are only left with our inner spark and magnetism. Don’t let the sparkle of a diamond or position ever sway you to think otherwise. We are humans; we need love, respect, kindness & belonging. Not things and titles. Reach for the stars. But don’t miss out on what’s right under your nose. You haven’t walked in another’s shoes. So don’t dare judge their depth from afar. We either expand or shrink with our judgements. Choose limitlessness

As the tears steam down my face & my heart sits heavy in my chest an ocean forms around me. My heart anchoring me to the sea floor. My soul swells with all of the guilt, disappointment, heart ache, pain and longing I’ve acquired through this experience we call life. I feel like a tiny damaged boat in this open angry sea. In solitude I find myself riding the massive waves, each wave ready to tear the vessel apart or send me hurtling overboard lost forever. Knuckles white from hanging on to the worn wooden sides, no ores now as all guidance and steering fell overboard a long while ago. I prick myself on a splinter but hold on even tighter embracing the pain, it means I’m still here.

The inertia making me feel ill now I just close my eyes and feel the ache, hoping that my tears will wash some of this feeling away and sail me to a new tomorrow. I feel I can barely speak. Unable to adequately explain myself to anyone to help this ease, I am the unknown, I am alone even when amongst the masses. I give in & give over to the feeling & ask for forgiveness for all the wrong turns and self loathing that I’ve saturated myself in. My intentions have always been pure but the water is muddied now from the abuse, the embarrassment, the secrecy and the longing for love that never came. I would have done anything just to have a sniff of that, but in doing so I buried myself deeper into the lonely abyss. Was I even worthy anymore, I knew I had been, but with each passing year it seemed less and less likely. Peeling back the layers of confidence to be left feeling raw, vulnerable & totally alone.

Maybe it’s my breathing that sends the boat affray, I slow my breath for a moment and go within. In and ouuuut, slowly the peaks and falls smooth and I almost wish I could stop breathing altogether to allow for complete stillness. But life and pain, love and hatred, it’s all that makes our world turn. There is never one without the other, as the absence of one makes them both obsolete. The rise and fall of our breath just as the thump thrump in our chest. It all has a two and fro that creates life itself. Pressure and release. The emptiness and the overflow. The space and the form. We must learn to love where we are, as there can always be the influx after the outflow. We will not always be empty, nor always full.

But maybe just maybe if we believe in each other we can help each other climb out of the dark and balance these tides to still waters. My breath in helping your breath out.

To the other side

My feet on dry land but I feel like I am drowning. Drowning, sinking, into a thick heavy liquid of un-poured cement. I am scared if I settle for even a moment I’ll be buried in the heaviness forever. 50 feet under, petrified in grey. I must keep churning to keep the flow.

My body falls away as my minds turbulent spin distracts me. I can’t think my way out like before. I can’t move. I can’t breath.

I am trapped in an invisible vortex. Things seem calm on the outside but gravity is heavier here inside my mind. Each attempt at freedom only burrows me deeper within the cement as I try to crawl through the path I’ve been dealt. Sometimes I just wish it would swallow me whole so that I didn’t have to keep forcing my way. It felt so pointless now. Why am I so shackled when everyone else seems so free, so light, so carefree? They walk on air while I carry the worlds weight with each step.

The energies that be have me surrounded and my only way out, I can’t even be sure exists. Do I clutch onto hope to no avail? My finger tips and knuckles white from holding on too long. My nails starting to bleed from the pressure, knuckles are torn. Is this it? Don’t show me a sign, but lead the way. I can not handle cryptic gestures any longer. I need it to be real. Pull me through to the other side.

Night & Day

Life is not black and white but shades of blue and grey, of purples, greens and golds. Colours blend and darkness and light share sides. We only see from the perspective that we stand unless we are willing to open ourselves up to not always being the light.

We can never judge until we have identified as both the victim and the perpetrator. Not one living soul is born from only pure light or they would not have come into existence. It is the yin the yang, the too and fro, left and right, day and night. It is the force and the gentleness that creates this world and if we hide from either side or judge it without accepting the other we commit the most grand error of all. Our humanity becomes invisible and we can no longer accept ourselves completely or those around us.

It is not only the light that leads our way, but our darkness that lays the path that we must walk. We must love ourselves completely and embrace the scum as well as the splendour. JLF xx

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