My days

I am a Trojan horse, a bruised petal. Lucky, unlucky. Helpless, empowered. I feel the poison tingle in my veins.

I’m as light as a feather, but as heavy as the mountain I tread upon. My days so long, as my life seems so short. Too tired to have shame, yet when I have the strength I blush.

Surprised by my own see-saw of emotion. I keep on keeping on. My spirit almost seems brighter from this dark place I reside. In the shadows a light can grow, from a seed, a spirit rendered clean and pure of intention and revolt.

To the other side

My feet on dry land but I feel like I am drowning. Drowning, sinking, into a thick heavy liquid of un-poured cement. I am scared if I settle for even a moment I’ll be buried in the heaviness forever. 50 feet under, petrified in grey. I must keep churning to keep the flow.

My body falls away as my minds turbulent spin distracts me. I can’t think my way out like before. I can’t move. I can’t breath.

I am trapped in an invisible vortex. Things seem calm on the outside but gravity is heavier here inside my mind. Each attempt at freedom only burrows me deeper within the cement as I try to crawl through the path I’ve been dealt. Sometimes I just wish it would swallow me whole so that I didn’t have to keep forcing my way. It felt so pointless now. Why am I so shackled when everyone else seems so free, so light, so carefree? They walk on air while I carry the worlds weight with each step.

The energies that be have me surrounded and my only way out, I can’t even be sure exists. Do I clutch onto hope to no avail? My finger tips and knuckles white from holding on too long. My nails starting to bleed from the pressure, knuckles are torn. Is this it? Don’t show me a sign, but lead the way. I can not handle cryptic gestures any longer. I need it to be real. Pull me through to the other side.

You are free

To those of us who understand what forever means, that understand the true meaning of permanence and that have felt the heart ache of a diagnosis that changes years or entire life times rather than just weeks or months of a life. You are a soldier, fighting a battle that no one sees but it’s immensity weighs in your every thought and breath. You are stronger than you could ever quantify in words or award in grand gestures. You have a gift that in this world most can’t appreciate.

An inspiration to the few that can fully feel the burden you bear and see the wonderment in your nobel actions and achievements. Your soul pristine white and glowing from the inside. There is a reason you’ve been chosen for such an epic battle and it is because your soul can teach so much to those still in the dark. You light their way but in doing so, just as any torch, your form must burn into nothingness until the last drop of light is extracted.

May your light live on in the people’s lives that you’ve touched, like a fire which spreads from the burning embers and from this may your form evolve into something far more beautiful than this earthly place could have ever imagined for you. You have surpassed and risen above all the insignificant wantings of a human. You are free

(I wrote this thinking of a friend that lost their battle with cancer) R.I.P xoxox

Diaries of a cancer survivor…

I can sometimes get really offended when I go to see my specialist as he checks my neck after having had thyroid cancer a couple of times. Lately he always seems to state in his notes;

“Jacqueline’s neck presentation is unremarkable!”.

Unremarkable!!?, the way I present my neck is spectacular 😂 – #jokesonlycancerpatientswillprobablyget. #notblondejustbeingsilly #justjokes #seriouslygladthereisnothingtoremarkon #survivorship #followup #laughterinthemadness

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