Immortality

I got struck with this feeling today. Little morbid I guess but I don’t mind talking about taboo subjects (they’re only taboo because they either confront people about their own sense of control in their life or they embarrass people because of their own insecurities). I thought if I were to physically die tomorrow and I had set up my little app to keep posting those same pics we all do everyday on Instagram and Facebook, and all those enlightened quotes – I’d go on living in the lives of all those that “keep in touch” from afar through actions I did before I passed. It would probably take a long time before anyone would realise. Until of course it leaked on social media from someone who truly knows you. But theoretically I could live on for many years past my actual expiry date.

A friend of mine died a couple of years ago now, he took his own life and it amazes me to watch on and see the communication keep going on his page. It’s a space now for all those who loved him to voice their woes and deepest thoughts to him. Like a secret meeting place, or hidden journal. It’s really beautiful to know we are not all forgot long after we leave this earthly place. It’s just sad that the love we feel sometimes never gets expressed until the time has run out.

It just really struck a chord with me today. Do any of you still keep in contact with loved ones on the other side through a social media page like that? It’s a beautiful sentiment but then I think, where were we all when they were here in physical form. We get so caught up in our lives and career goals that we sometimes forget to stop and smell the roses 🌹have a laugh, get a little messy or ridiculous and just live. Life is so damn short. Social media isn’t real life and it’s never a true depiction of how someone is doing. Reach out to your friends, be kind to one another and never go to bed on an argument and I’m sure you won’t be disappointed or ever have to take the deepest of regrets to your own grave. The regret of not being there for someone you love, purely from being busy or thinking there’s always time. Make every moment count in the now. Don’t wait for tomorrow as sometimes it never comes xoxoxo

Diaries of a cancer survivor…

I can sometimes get really offended when I go to see my specialist as he checks my neck after having had thyroid cancer a couple of times. Lately he always seems to state in his notes;

“Jacqueline’s neck presentation is unremarkable!”.

Unremarkable!!?, the way I present my neck is spectacular 😂 – #jokesonlycancerpatientswillprobablyget. #notblondejustbeingsilly #justjokes #seriouslygladthereisnothingtoremarkon #survivorship #followup #laughterinthemadness

Untitled

I’ve gotten so good at pretending, I’ve managed to fool the world that i’m doing OK, have loads of friends and get invited out all the time by people really close to me. I model. I do charity work, creative projects. I have ample money and work. I party with loads of different friends. Yet the reality is me sitting here, tears streaming down my face wondering if anyone actually even truly cares about me at all. If it would be so bad if I just ended my life here and now to be done with the intense pain I feel.

So many people have taken their piece of me, and each time I have fallen in love it has been with someone that never even cared about me to begin with, yet they’ve always happily taken more than they should. It’s made me question myself so much now that I’m paralysed in my anxiety from it all and my level of self doubt. I can’t move forward I can’t move backwards. I smile through when anyone is around as I’m embarrassed to be anything other than a girl that seems to have it all together or at least mostly so. I need to be bright bubbly and polite. I don’t want everyone to hate the mess that my life has turned me into. I have shown my vulnerability over and over again only ever to be left standing in it all alone.

I have a percentage of my life where I have experienced wonderful things for sure, but that portion of my 34 years of life is only a maximum of 5% in total to the hell I have been in or felt the rest of my time here on earth. Each cancer, each person not understanding me, each death, each heartbreak, each anxiety has finally unravelled me so far I can’t even see the start of the thread anymore to pull myself back together. Now I’m just hiding and trying not to be found out but at the same time wanting desperately to be open and have someone understand.

I’m horrified at what I’m writing as I write this and knowing that I’m contemplating posting this just seems like total social suicide which for some reason seems so much worse than actual suicide. I guess because all I really want is to fit in. Looking down on myself I just hope that maybe someone understands this feeling and can appreciate the honesty or at least if people don’t get it, they can be more aware of what real depression and difficulties can do to someone. It’s not always out in the open and obvious. It’s often hidden behind smiles, beautiful social media posts and motivational quotes.

Not everyone is what they seem, i’ve witnessed that in others first hand. Everyone can have a good day just as everyone can have a bad day. Sometimes those bad days join into one long misery, while others have mostly the good days seamlessly strung together into a long and fruitful life.

Always be kind, always be open enough to never hold a grudge. Life is far too short and some will never get a chance to build enough positive memories to look back on a blessed life. We all struggle and some of us show it in different ways, some not at all.

#thisiswhatwritinglookslikewhenyouaredepressed

The human condition…

The human condition is one of the most perplexing things there is on this beautiful earth. At the end of the day we seek nothing but connection and love but we look for it in all the wrong places. We have created this consumerist world to make money to afford to buy things that fill the void that we have created & in doing so make ourselves ill. We are told everyday of how we are lacking; on the television, in the magazines, every day in subtle ways and sometimes blatantly obvious slaps in the face by beautifully manicured and polished hands. We lap it up like we need to be told what life is all about & how to live it. Drinking up the poisonous words of some seething corporate greedy bastard entity. We aren’t even fighting people anymore, we’re fighting corporations that can’t even be confronted to be able to fight back. We are just a mere cog in this intricate and grubby new machine.

Anxiety and depression rates sky rocket as our world is supposed to be easier and more accessible, but we sit here and talk to each other through screens and type our incomprehensible expressions of love and anger towards each other and our feelings of urgency & being behind to do what we should have done. For things of love and awe sometimes there are just no words to express what you can only show through human touch or that effervescent twinkle in someone’s eye. No wonder love has become only sex and looking for bank accounts that fit someones lifestyle for some people. Nobody sees each other anymore. We walk past amazing souls each and every day, we sit next to them on the train on the early morning commute to work but we only see our own faces staring back at us, tired and worn in the reflection of our iPhones. We swipe left or right on people’s faces which reduce them to a few lines of text and a photoshopped image. We give our bodies over to strangers in the hopes that superficially being held for a night will fill us up for long enough that we can escape our perpetual feelings of loneliness if only for a moment. While we search for this connection we destroy everything in sight, we knock down reserves to build skywards to climb towards something as close to heaven as we’ll ever find. We destroy each other through our own expressions of hurt, trying to make sense of it all. As they say, “hurt people hurt people”.

But then the flip side, as humans we have this need of love which shows us just how fragile and real we can be. It exposes our soft little underbellies as we grunt and put on that tough guy face and say “I don’t need anyone”. It’s such a sad day to know some will never experience true happiness as they chase these corporate made dreams and subdue that little voice buried deep deep down in the pits of their stomachs. Some appreciate the twinkle of a diamond more than the spark that ignites between two people made for each other – JLF (JaxTrax)

(I’d just like to add, I don’t only see the world in this way, reading back it seems so one sided and negative, this was a mere snap shot of a thought I had while sitting on the train going home from an appointment haha. It’s just showing the cracks in society and the pitfalls we sometimes succumb to unknowingly, if down trodden long enough. It’s more about the lack of connection I felt that day from people around me) hugs. Big love xoxo

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