I’m a Trojan horse, a bruised petal.
Lucky, unlucky. Helpless, empowered.
I feel the poison tingle in my veins.

I’m as light as a feather, but as heavy as the mountain I tread upon.
My days so long, as my life seems so short.
Too tired to have shame, yet when I have the strength I blush.

Surprised by my see saw of emotion.
I keep on keeping on.
My spirit almost seems brighter from this dark, place I reside.

In the shadows light can grow, from a seed, rendered clean and pure of intention.
It seems more pristine in contrast to this heavy dark

I hold onto the light and try to pass the torch on. In doing so I see it shine brighter
Maybe this is the lesson learnt.
Give without measure to alleviate the darkness for good

You are free

To those of us who understand what forever means, that understand the true meaning of permanence and that have felt the heart ache of a diagnosis that changes years or entire life times rather than just weeks or months of a life. You are a soldier, fighting a battle that no one sees but it’s immensity weighs in your every thought and breath. You are stronger than you could ever quantify in words or award in grand gestures. You have a gift that in this world most can’t appreciate.

An inspiration to the few that can fully feel the burden you bear and see the wonderment in your nobel actions and achievements. Your soul pristine white and glowing from the inside. There is a reason you’ve been chosen for such an epic battle and it is because your soul can teach so much to those still in the dark. You light their way but in doing so, just as any torch, your form must burn into nothingness until the last drop of light is extracted.

May your light live on in the people’s lives that you’ve touched, like a fire which spreads from the burning embers and from this may your form evolve into something far more beautiful than this earthly place could have ever imagined for you. You have surpassed and risen above all the insignificant wantings of a human. You are free

(I wrote this thinking of a friend that lost their battle with cancer) R.I.P xoxox

Diaries of a cancer survivor…

I can sometimes get really offended when I go to see my specialist as he checks my neck after having had thyroid cancer a couple of times. Lately he always seems to state in his notes;

“Jacqueline’s neck presentation is unremarkable!”.

Unremarkable!!?, the way I present my neck is spectacular 😂 – #jokesonlycancerpatientswillprobablyget. #notblondejustbeingsilly #justjokes #seriouslygladthereisnothingtoremarkon #survivorship #followup #laughterinthemadness

All I remember…

All I remember now is how comforting your voice was. The way you would sing to me & read me stories always igniting my curiosity & intellect. You would hold me and make me feel like everything was OK even when it wasn’t.

I used to remember your smell but now I’m not quite sure if it’s just a made up thing in my head. I remember your manicured hands & strong work ethic, even from a kids perspective. You were my rock, my calm amongst the storm, always.

Not being able to say goodbye has always played on my mind these past 25 years, it’s something I thought would fade over time but instead it seems to almost strengthen as remembering the shape of your face seems to fade. It’s why I’m the way I am I guess. I always want to keep in touch with those I love because I’m so scared to ever go through the same trauma of never getting a last goodbye. Maybe that’s why I never have really fit in. You don’t understand loss until someone no longer exists in this world that was apart of your soul. They can move, they can leave you, but when they pass on there is a finality to this knowledge that shakes you to your core and you actually feel the absence of their presence on this earth.

When I was 9 I didn’t think I’d ever be able to even breathe again & just wanted so desperately to be by your side, even if it meant passing on myself. My life didn’t seem worth living without you. I remember picking up that phone to listen in on mum’s conversation only to hear the worst news of my life as you had lost your battle with those hideous treatments. Nobody deserves to fight so long only to lose their fight. I still don’t know why you thought it best to send me away by myself. I would have witnessed the worst most gruesome sights & felt all the pain in the world just to see you again & to be there to at least say goodbye if you had to go.

I was always cranky with myself that as a 9 year old I didn’t fight harder to see you as you laid to rest. I was too polite and I hate that about myself. Nobody would let me near you. I was supposedly being protected when all it did was crush me & make it even harder for me to let go. I felt abandoned & isolated in my misery as I cried myself to sleep every night and every quiet moment in between that I had to myself. Maybe this void I feel will change for the better eventually. I somehow still have hope, but it’s making me tired now. R.I.P dad, I’ll love you always xoxo

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