32 years

32 years since I’ve seen your face, since I’ve held your hands or heard your voice. 32 years of longing.

I still remember the twang of electric pain shoot through my body and throat as I heard those words… “he died last night”.

The stillness was deafening, the finality I want to say overwhelming as I slammed the phone down, but so much more than this. I still haven’t found the words, in 32 years of longing.

You were always my safe haven, the ear to listen and the shoulder to cry on. You were my whole world, until my world was swiftly taken.

32 years of longing, and I have still never found respite. Still searching for you in every face, in every day that goes by.

32 years of longing even though my child mind is now grown. 32 years foreboding, waiting for another foot to fall, perhaps my own.

32 years, thiiiirty twoooo yeaaaars, I’ve been longer without than ever with. The moment you left us was the moment I wished to leave too. I knew I’d never find such love again, I just knew.

And 32 years has proven me right. Time and time again. My heart still aches my tears still wet, as I try hold on through the fear.

32 years. 32 years.

September 6, 2025 0

Untitled

I’m a Trojan horse, a bruised petal.
Lucky, unlucky. Helpless, empowered.
I feel the poison tingle in my veins.

I’m as light as a feather, but as heavy as the mountain I tread upon.
My days so long, as my life seems so short.
Too tired to have shame, yet when I have the strength I blush.

Surprised by my see saw of emotion.
I keep on keeping on.
My spirit almost seems brighter from this dark, place I reside.

In the shadows light can grow, from a seed, rendered clean and pure of intention.
It seems more pristine in contrast to this heavy dark

I hold onto the light and try to pass the torch on. In doing so I see it shine brighter
Maybe this is the lesson learnt.
Give without measure to alleviate the darkness for good

June 15, 2020 3

You are free

To those of us who understand what forever means, that understand the true meaning of permanence and that have felt the heart ache of a diagnosis that changes years or entire life times rather than just weeks or months of a life. You are a soldier, fighting a battle that no one sees but it’s immensity weighs in your every thought and breath. You are stronger than you could ever quantify in words or award in grand gestures. You have a gift that in this world most can’t appreciate.

An inspiration to the few that can fully feel the burden you bear and see the wonderment in your nobel actions and achievements. Your soul pristine white and glowing from the inside. There is a reason you’ve been chosen for such an epic battle and it is because your soul can teach so much to those still in the dark. You light their way but in doing so, just as any torch, your form must burn into nothingness until the last drop of light is extracted.

May your light live on in the people’s lives that you’ve touched, like a fire which spreads from the burning embers and from this may your form evolve into something far more beautiful than this earthly place could have ever imagined for you. You have surpassed and risen above all the insignificant wantings of a human. You are free

(I wrote this thinking of a friend that lost their battle with cancer) R.I.P xoxox

July 2, 2018 0

Diaries of a cancer survivor…

I can sometimes get really offended when I go to see my specialist as he checks my neck after having had thyroid cancer a couple of times. Lately he always seems to state in his notes;

“Jacqueline’s neck presentation is unremarkable!”.

Unremarkable!!?, the way I present my neck is spectacular 😂 – #jokesonlycancerpatientswillprobablyget. #notblondejustbeingsilly #justjokes #seriouslygladthereisnothingtoremarkon #survivorship #followup #laughterinthemadness

June 27, 2018 2