When you love someone but they can’t meet you, or maybe you can’t meet them where they need to be met. It’s one of the most frustrating, heartbreaking & sad human experiences to be had. All the wonderful potential just stagnant and waiting idle, treading water and holding one’s breath. You just wish for a miracle and for things to be returned not just temporarily but consistently and without measure. But all that happens instead is maladaptive coping tactics that try to hide the shame and anxiety of not feeling enough, or the confusion of not knowing what to feel, a push and pull game occurs. Love can be such an elusive thing in an age where people only wish to share highlight reels. But love is no game, yet many are merely players.
Ocean tides
You are the moon. I’m at the whim of your too and fro. My heart strings dance as you tug them this way then that. I rise and fall gently at first, but the oceans in me have become more turbulent now with each ambivalent step you take.
I can no longer see the shoreline. I am at sea lost and riding the waves. The darkness has fallen around me so I can no longer see it coming, as the waves crash down on top of me. I’m drowning in this ocean tide. A rip taking me so far away from myself that I’m not sure I even have the strength to return. My arms and heart heavy now, trembling with exhaustion.
I’m looking for a life buoy to keep me afloat. But I know it’s only me who can save me now. I pluck up the courage to keep pulling my way through, each laboured stroke one moment closer to shore, but then each wave crashes and takes me miles more out to sea. Maybe now I just have to give in and let go, ride the rip tide to another shore, find myself on islands untouched so I can put my feet firmly back on solid ground. I need the sun to guide my way as the moons pull is still too strong.
The truth will set you free
Sometimes we are so scared to tell our truth, afraid of what people might think, how people will judge us or reject us. What we don’t realise is that that truth can set us free. The thing we think nobody could understand maybe the very thing that bonds you & creates understanding. Be brave & speak your truth, no matter how you think it sounds. Nobody is perfect and in our flaws and mistakes we find deeper connection, understanding and love. Cleanse yourself of the shame and be who you are, live your life 💕
To the other side
My feet on dry land but I feel like I am drowning. Drowning, sinking, into a thick heavy liquid of un-poured cement. I am scared if I settle for even a moment I’ll be buried in the heaviness forever. 50 feet under, petrified in grey. I must keep churning to keep the flow.
My body falls away as my minds turbulent spin distracts me. I can’t think my way out like before. I can’t move. I can’t breath.
I am trapped in an invisible vortex. Things seem calm on the outside but gravity is heavier here inside my mind. Each attempt at freedom only burrows me deeper within the cement as I try to crawl through the path I’ve been dealt. Sometimes I just wish it would swallow me whole so that I didn’t have to keep forcing my way. It felt so pointless now. Why am I so shackled when everyone else seems so free, so light, so carefree? They walk on air while I carry the worlds weight with each step.
The energies that be have me surrounded and my only way out, I can’t even be sure exists. Do I clutch onto hope to no avail? My finger tips and knuckles white from holding on too long. My nails starting to bleed from the pressure, knuckles are torn. Is this it? Don’t show me a sign, but lead the way. I can not handle cryptic gestures any longer. I need it to be real. Pull me through to the other side.
JaxTrax 