After thought

It seems the kinder I am the worse I am treated. What a fantastically bizarre conundrum. So the only choices I have really are to continue being myself and being cruelly mistreated, misunderstood and remain alone for all of eternity… Or to change and turn into something vile and reflect back the hatred, avoidance or distain I receive. But the thing is neither of those options make me happy. I never win, in a world where I am constantly told how I have it easy because of how I look or who I am. I never win. Just brought in close enough to be mistreated and then forcefully released again and shunned. Nobody actually knows me, nobody ever bothered to ask, though I am told who I am repeatedly.

This world baffles me, but you know what? I’m not sure I even want to understand why anymore. I am just obviously so different to where life has landed us that I no longer fit in. Like some kind of weird orphaned troll, festering away under my foot bridge of genuine compassion and kindness. I offer it to all those in need, and in turn I am isolated, cut off from society and laughed at for being so naive to be kind to a passer by or to forgive the unforgivable. I am a freak to those that succeed in this lifetime. Every day that rolls on, I feel the sadness rise within, now at my throat choking my words, I feel it reach my neck and dance below my scull ready to envelope all of me. I’m not sure how many breaths I have left before I’m submerged forever unable to take one more step.

After all I have endured, after all I have overcome it will be some tiny insignificant moment that will take me down. Like tripping on a stool or being spoken down to one last time that will obliterate my weary heart. She is barely pumping, so wounded from every insult and careless fumble as she shyly still tries to smile so others can too. It will be something so insignificant, that people will laugh at my ruins and further critique my worth. She should have tried harder, smiled more, reached out more, been more and made more they will say. It will be my fault and I will be forgotten as quickly as I came. Back into the nothingness where thoughts may go to die, into the after.