Too deep for these shallow puddles. Surface level connections glide by in twilight, cycle through in double time, every time. Searching, searching for the answers that only come from within.
Misguided trials attempting to clutch at some kind of comfort. Searching for some solace in this endless maze of mirrors and smoke.
I dream to go home, but home seems an elusive place. It’s like a memory that echoes in my mind that never quite settles. It dances from light to darkness, always escaping true form.
Home is but a feeling, one that only you could make me feel. I yearn to go back there across imaginary roads long gone. You are my home.
It seems the kinder we are the worse we are treated. What a fantastically bizarre conundrum. So the only choices we really have are to continue being ourselves and being cruelly mistreated, misunderstood and remain alone for all of eternity… Or to change and turn into something vile and reflect back the hatred, avoidance or distain we receive. But the thing is neither of those options make us happy. You never win, in a world where we are constantly told how we have it easy because of how we look or who we are. We never win. Just brought in close enough to be mistreated and then forcefully released again and shunned. Nobody actually truly knows us, nobody ever bothered to ask, though we are told who we are repeatedly.
This world baffles me, but you know what? I’m not sure I even want to understand why anymore. We are just obviously so different to where life has landed us that we no longer fit in. Like weird orphaned trolls, festering away under a foot bridge of genuine compassion and kindness. We offer it to all those in need, and in turn are isolated, cut off from society and laughed at for being so naive to be kind to a passer by or to forgive the unforgivable. A freak to those that succeed in this lifetime. Every day that rolls on, we feel the sadness rise within, now at our throats choking our words, feeling it reach our necks and dance below our delicate sculls ready to envelope all of us. I’m not sure how many breaths we have left before we are submerged forever unable to take one more step.
After all we have endured, after all we have overcome it will be some tiny insignificant moment that will take us down. Like tripping on a stool or being spoken down to one last time that will obliterate our weary hearts. Barely pumping, so wounded from every insult and careless fumble as she shyly still tries to smile so others can too. It will be something so insignificant, that people will laugh at our ruins and further critique our worth. They should have tried harder, smiled more, reached out more, been more and made more they will say. It will be our fault and we will be forgotten as quickly as we came. Back into the nothingness where thoughts may go to die, into the after.
When you love someone but they can’t meet you, or maybe you can’t meet them where they need to be met. It’s one of the most frustrating, heartbreaking & sad human experiences to be had. All the wonderful potential just stagnant and waiting idle, treading water and holding one’s breath. You just wish for a miracle and for things to be returned not just temporarily but consistently and without measure. But all that happens instead is maladaptive coping tactics that try to hide the shame and anxiety of not feeling enough, or the confusion of not knowing what to feel, a push and pull game occurs. Love can be such an elusive thing in an age where people only wish to share highlight reels. But love is no game, yet many are merely players.
JaxTrax 