Tag: words

32 years

32 years since I’ve seen your face, since I’ve held your hands or heard your voice. 32 years of longing.

I still remember the twang of electric pain shoot through my body and throat as I heard those words… “he died last night”. 

The stillness was deafening, the finality I want to say overwhelming as I slammed the phone down, but so much more than this. I still haven’t found the words, in 32 years of longing.  

You were always my safe haven, the ear to listen and the shoulder to cry on. You were my whole world, until my world was swiftly taken. 

32 years of longing, and I have still never found respite. Still searching for you in every face, in every day that goes by. 

32 years of longing even though my child mind is now grown. 32 years foreboding, waiting for another foot to fall, perhaps my own. 

32 years, thiiiirty twoooo yeaaaars, I’ve been longer without than ever with. The moment you left us was the moment I wished to leave too. I knew I’d never find such love again, I just knew. 

And 32 years has proven me right. Time and time again. My heart still aches my tears still wet, as I try hold on through the fear. 

32 years. 32 years.

In memory of my loving father 💜 x
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Open arms 

Sometimes I wonder if he hated me only because I saw behind his mask. I saw the vulnerable sensitive parts of him and I was still OK with that. I loved those parts. I just wanted him to love them too.

He wanted me to fall in love only with his own delusions of what he wished he could be. He wanted fantasy over truth. But the truth was much more powerful and beautiful than any fantasy ever could be.

He was more than he believed, yet he could not allow himself out in the light for fear of being seen. What he didn’t realise was he was making himself less than, not more. I hope one day he finds his way home, into open arms.

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Unrequited Love

When you love someone but they can’t meet you, or maybe you can’t meet them where they need to be met. It’s one of the most frustrating, heartbreaking & sad human experiences to be had. All the wonderful potential just stagnant and waiting idle, treading water and holding one’s breath. You just wish for a miracle and for things to be returned not just temporarily but consistently and without measure. But all that happens instead is maladaptive coping tactics that try to hide the shame and anxiety of not feeling enough, or the confusion of not knowing what to feel, a push and pull game occurs. Love can be such an elusive thing in an age where people only wish to share highlight reels. But love is no game, yet many are merely players.

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There may never be…

There may never be another day my eyes land upon your face. Or to kiss your skin so sweetly as we lay there holding space.

There may never be another day where I whisper in your ear. And Set off all those tingles down your spine and this is clear.

There may never be another day when all the stars align, and time may hold me back from you now ever being mine.

There may never be another day where I’m still holding on, waiting for our past to fade so we can get along.

There may never be another day where you’re not holding back, withholding all the love that’s there somehow guided off the track.

But if there is I’ll wait, a million years or maybe more. Patiently awaiting, I’ll be there at your door.

But don’t make me wait much longer, don’t drain my soul of youth. For all that I can offer now is my heart my guiding truth.

And though my bones my wither, my skins youth may disappear. I’ll always have this love for you, that much I know is clear.

By Jacqueline Freestone (JaxTrax)

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