It was you all along

Just couldn’t see the

forest through the trees

Mind got angry

Heart only ever

wanted to please

The love of my life

gone and now my heart

just yearns to appease

We never lost the love truly

Just went through some unease

Needed to figure things out

Align the timing, our needs.

If we ever met again I know life would

let me breathe

Still feel the hurt from when I had to

watch you leave

And for now, I grieve

February 12, 2026 0

32 years

32 years since I’ve seen your face, since I’ve held your hands or heard your voice. 32 years of longing.

I still remember the twang of electric pain shoot through my body and throat as I heard those words… “he died last night”.

The stillness was deafening, the finality I want to say overwhelming as I slammed the phone down, but so much more than this. I still haven’t found the words, in 32 years of longing.

You were always my safe haven, the ear to listen and the shoulder to cry on. You were my whole world, until my world was swiftly taken.

32 years of longing, and I have still never found respite. Still searching for you in every face, in every day that goes by.

32 years of longing even though my child mind is now grown. 32 years foreboding, waiting for another foot to fall, perhaps my own.

32 years, thiiiirty twoooo yeaaaars, I’ve been longer without than ever with. The moment you left us was the moment I wished to leave too. I knew I’d never find such love again, I just knew.

And 32 years has proven me right. Time and time again. My heart still aches my tears still wet, as I try hold on through the fear.

32 years. 32 years.

September 6, 2025 0

After thought

It seems the kinder we are the worse we are treated. What a fantastically bizarre conundrum. So the only choices we really have are to continue being ourselves and being cruelly mistreated, misunderstood and remain alone for all of eternity… Or to change and turn into something vile and reflect back the hatred, avoidance or distain we receive. But the thing is neither of those options make us happy. You never win, in a world where we are constantly told how we have it easy because of how we look or who we are. We never win. Just brought in close enough to be mistreated and then forcefully released again and shunned. Nobody actually truly knows us, nobody ever bothered to ask, though we are told who we are repeatedly.

This world baffles me, but you know what? I’m not sure I even want to understand why anymore. We are just obviously so different to where life has landed us that we no longer fit in. Like weird orphaned trolls, festering away under a foot bridge of genuine compassion and kindness. We offer it to all those in need, and in turn are isolated, cut off from society and laughed at for being so naive to be kind to a passer by or to forgive the unforgivable. A freak to those that succeed in this lifetime. Every day that rolls on, we feel the sadness rise within, now at our throats choking our words, feeling it reach our necks and dance below our delicate sculls ready to envelope all of us. I’m not sure how many breaths we have left before we are submerged forever unable to take one more step.

After all we have endured, after all we have overcome it will be some tiny insignificant moment that will take us down. Like tripping on a stool or being spoken down to one last time that will obliterate our weary hearts. Barely pumping, so wounded from every insult and careless fumble as she shyly still tries to smile so others can too. It will be something so insignificant, that people will laugh at our ruins and further critique our worth. They should have tried harder, smiled more, reached out more, been more and made more they will say. It will be our fault and we will be forgotten as quickly as we came. Back into the nothingness where thoughts may go to die, into the after.