When you love someone but they can’t meet you, or maybe you can’t meet them where they need to be met. It’s one of the most frustrating, heartbreaking & sad human experiences to be had. All the wonderful potential just stagnant and waiting idle, treading water and holding one’s breath. You just wish for a miracle and for things to be returned not just temporarily but consistently and without measure. But all that happens instead is maladaptive coping tactics that try to hide the shame and anxiety of not feeling enough, or the confusion of not knowing what to feel, a push and pull game occurs. Love can be such an elusive thing in an age where people only wish to share highlight reels. But love is no game, yet many are merely players.
What they see
People think they see me
But they don’t see anything that’s there
They miss my heart, my kindness
My soul as it lays bare
Physical form, it blinds some
It keeps away our true light
Distracts us from our purpose
Chasing fantasies into the night
What I really wanted
What I really wanted was for you to bare your soul.
To show me all the little pieces where no one else could go.
I searched for you in every face, in every passer by.
But as the days progressed I could see it was all a waste of time
What I really wanted was for you to crave my soul.
To pick up all those pieces that you spread. Put me back, make me whole.
You never even turned your head to see if I’m still there. As I lay there bleeding from the heartache as you left.
What I really wanted was for you to never leave. To hold me in your arms. Hold me close, just squeeze.
You’ll never understand the love I had that was true. Insecurity ate it up spat it out, you never knew.
I just wanted you to see every good thought and good deed. But everything you twisted into some kind of negativity make believe.
But I meant every word and I meant so much more. Just wanted you to feel I always held open that door.
There was no other man. No other prize. I just wanted you for you. You were perfect in my eyes.
What I really wanted was for you to treat me kind. Not to push me to till I break. Test my waters till I cried.
I wanted nothing more than for you to have your success. Just to see you happy to have nothing but the best.
Instead you moved on. Like I never meant a thing. I guess you’ll never understand just exactly what I was offering.
What I really wanted and all I’ll ever need, it was you all along. No one else could ever supersede.
The Fool
Tried to live my life for someone else’s dreams. No one could see i was seeping at my seams.
Kaleidoscope of shapes but none were for me. I held it all together, so effortlessly.
Contorted my being, destroyed my mind so I would forget somehow over time.
The joy drew faint, and the struggle remain. As I tried to paint a picture inside this insane frame.
My memory failed for all the joy I once knew but one thing remained, I still knew what he knew.
Every word he’d uttered, every smile he’d glared. He knew just what he was doing only pretended that he cared.
But what he didn’t realise was the joke he thought he played. It wasn’t just him carving out his own silly little way.
She knew too well his actions, and all that was at stake. The thing he didn’t realise was the player was being weighed.
The gloat he showed magnificent if only that he knew. He was just as stupid as all the others that he’d strewn.
The ego blinds the man, that see’s only but himself. The liquor too a poison, he slowly kill’s himself.
He’ll walk away unknowing, and think that he has won. But darling don’t you ever wonder why she still thought you were the one?
To keep a fool contented, you only need a mule. A few choice words, and heartache to keep the perpetrator fooled.
So laugh out loud at your conquests, and move on to the next, but don’t you think you’ve won this. Remain the fool for that’s what you do best.
JaxTrax 