All I remember…

All I remember now is how comforting your voice was. The way you would sing to me & read me stories always igniting my curiosity & intellect. You would hold me and make me feel like everything was OK even when it wasn’t.

I used to remember your smell but now I’m not quite sure if it’s just a made up thing in my head. I remember your manicured hands & strong work ethic, even from a kids perspective. You were my rock, my calm amongst the storm, always.

Not being able to say goodbye has always played on my mind these past 25 years, it’s something I thought would fade over time but instead it seems to almost strengthen as remembering the shape of your face seems to fade. It’s why I’m the way I am I guess. I always want to keep in touch with those I love because I’m so scared to ever go through the same trauma of never getting a last goodbye. Maybe that’s why I never have really fit in. You don’t understand loss until someone no longer exists in this world that was apart of your soul. They can move, they can leave you, but when they pass on there is a finality to this knowledge that shakes you to your core and you actually feel the absence of their presence on this earth.

When I was 9 I didn’t think I’d ever be able to even breathe again & just wanted so desperately to be by your side, even if it meant passing on myself. My life didn’t seem worth living without you. I remember picking up that phone to listen in on mum’s conversation only to hear the worst news of my life as you had lost your battle with those hideous treatments. Nobody deserves to fight so long only to lose their fight. I still don’t know why you thought it best to send me away by myself. I would have witnessed the worst most gruesome sights & felt all the pain in the world just to see you again & to be there to at least say goodbye if you had to go.

I was always cranky with myself that as a 9 year old I didn’t fight harder to see you as you laid to rest. I was too polite and I hate that about myself. Nobody would let me near you. I was supposedly being protected when all it did was crush me & make it even harder for me to let go. I felt abandoned & isolated in my misery as I cried myself to sleep every night and every quiet moment in between that I had to myself. Maybe this void I feel will change for the better eventually. I somehow still have hope, but it’s making me tired now. R.I.P dad, I’ll love you always xoxo

June 3, 2018 0

Chatting to strangers…

I just met the most lovely woman while at the Kinghorn Cancer Centre. She was a carer and also had a son that was a carer. She was helping her friend through her session at the cancer centre who had no family to support her, and was told her friend will likely die in the next couple of weeks from an inoperable brain tumour. She said she wasn’t used to being around so many sick people all of the time. She was exhausted, stressed and was also worried about her son who is helping a friend who had become a quadriplegic in the last year. He has been refusing treatments and has become suicidal. She’s giving and giving, and worried about everyone else. I stopped and said to her “but what about you?” Although she didn’t fully acknowledge what I said, her eyes welled with tears as she stoically tried to smile through & laugh off the comment.

So many people in the world right now just have no concept of how good they have it. They have their health, they have the ability to use their limbs, to love and be loved, to choose whatever they wish to do with their day instead of being chained to a hospital waiting room for months on end. They have family who support them and never have to truly feel alone. Please choose wisely when you decide how to spend your day today. Fill it with love, not resentment or hatred. Be open and in doing so maybe make someone else’s day a little brighter. You truly never know the pain someone else is going through from a first glance. Even as I write this I have to remind myself of this thought & pull myself back up out of a depression & down week.

Keep rising xoxo

March 23, 2018 0

Embers

A small tear falls gently on the floor as a fragile ember burns from the hope of a more simple day. A day when love is enough and people speak the truth. Not hiding from all the egoic walls that we’ve helped build. I’ll hold my breath and sit in the silence as I wait for this match to ignite – JLF (JaxTrax)

November 22, 2017 0

The naked truth is sometimes better than the story in our skeptical minds:

Sometimes we think the worst of someone because of what someone else has said to us and under the circumstances the story seems to fit so we change our perception & react. But sometimes that story that’s so believable and makes so much sense couldn’t be further from the truth. What I’ve learnt recently is that you must never let someone else alter your view of another person unless you’ve seen it first hand and even then things can be blurred and confusing. There are so many people out there it seems with ulterior motives that really just want to watch someone burn, even when they can see their target is already struggling. I never thought this was possible as I’ve always been the loving naive type I guess when it comes to matters of the heart and friendships but yeah some people are just dark on the inside & really don’t care what happens to you because of their lies & mistruths. I guess the morale to the story is, if you’re happy even though everyone else is seeing something else, then just keep your mouth shut & don’t react but find out from the source. It reminds me of this poem I read once, this basically explains the lesson I’ve learnt in one eloquent and comical prose…

“Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to

fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,

the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.

After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to

earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this

little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure

warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow

began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the

chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,

he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.