Tag: Love

32 years

32 years since I’ve seen your face, since I’ve held your hands or heard your voice. 32 years of longing.

I still remember the twang of electric pain shoot through my body and throat as I heard those words… “he died last night”. 

The stillness was deafening, the finality I want to say overwhelming as I slammed the phone down, but so much more than this. I still haven’t found the words, in 32 years of longing.  

You were always my safe haven, the ear to listen and the shoulder to cry on. You were my whole world, until my world was swiftly taken. 

32 years of longing, and I have still never found respite. Still searching for you in every face, in every day that goes by. 

32 years of longing even though my child mind is now grown. 32 years foreboding, waiting for another foot to fall, perhaps my own. 

32 years, thiiiirty twoooo yeaaaars, I’ve been longer without than ever with. The moment you left us was the moment I wished to leave too. I knew I’d never find such love again, I just knew. 

And 32 years has proven me right. Time and time again. My heart still aches my tears still wet, as I try hold on through the fear. 

32 years. 32 years.

In memory of my loving father 💜 x
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Open arms 

Sometimes I wonder if he hated me only because I saw behind his mask. I saw the vulnerable sensitive parts of him and I was still OK with that. I loved those parts. I just wanted him to love them too.

He wanted me to fall in love only with his own delusions of what he wished he could be. He wanted fantasy over truth. But the truth was much more powerful and beautiful than any fantasy ever could be.

He was more than he believed, yet he could not allow himself out in the light for fear of being seen. What he didn’t realise was he was making himself less than, not more. I hope one day he finds his way home, into open arms.

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Unrequited Love

When you love someone but they can’t meet you, or maybe you can’t meet them where they need to be met. It’s one of the most frustrating, heartbreaking & sad human experiences to be had. All the wonderful potential just stagnant and waiting idle, treading water and holding one’s breath. You just wish for a miracle and for things to be returned not just temporarily but consistently and without measure. But all that happens instead is maladaptive coping tactics that try to hide the shame and anxiety of not feeling enough, or the confusion of not knowing what to feel, a push and pull game occurs. Love can be such an elusive thing in an age where people only wish to share highlight reels. But love is no game, yet many are merely players.

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What I really wanted

What I really wanted was for you to bare your soul.

To show me all the little pieces where no one else could go.

I searched for you in every face, in every passer by.

But as the days progressed I could see it was all a waste of time

What I really wanted was for you to crave my soul.

To pick up all those pieces that you spread. Put me back, make me whole.

You never even turned your head to see if I’m still there. As I lay there bleeding from the heartache as you left.

What I really wanted was for you to never leave. To hold me in your arms. Hold me close, just squeeze.

You’ll never understand the love I had that was true. Insecurity ate it up spat it out, you never knew.

I just wanted you to see every good thought and good deed. But everything you twisted into some kind of negativity make believe.

But I meant every word and I meant so much more. Just wanted you to feel I always held open that door.

There was no other man. No other prize. I just wanted you for you. You were perfect in my eyes.

What I really wanted was for you to treat me kind. Not to push me to till I break. Test my waters till I cried.

I wanted nothing more than for you to have your success. Just to see you happy to have nothing but the best.

Instead you moved on. Like I never meant a thing. I guess you’ll never understand just exactly what I was offering.

What I really wanted and all I’ll ever need, it was you all along. No one else could ever supersede.

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