A place to hide

Escape before your heart’s alight

That’s what they said to me.

But what’s the point in living on

If love’s nowhere to be seen

Open up and pull me in

I want a space to hide

Away from all our struggles

Away from all these lies

You look right through, but don’t connect It’s like we’re playing games

You move in me. We make amends but

Now I’m cast to sea

Can’t help just what I’m feeling.

Can’t save you from the past.

But today’s the day I walk away

I hope this thing called love will last

Ocean tides

You are the moon. I’m at the whim of your too and fro. My heart strings dance as you tug them this way then that. I rise and fall gently at first, but the oceans in me have become more turbulent now with each ambivalent step you take.

I can no longer see the shoreline. I am at sea lost and riding the waves. The darkness has fallen around me so I can no longer see it coming, as the waves crash down on top of me. I’m drowning in this ocean tide. A rip taking me so far away from myself that I’m not sure I even have the strength to return. My arms and heart heavy now, trembling with exhaustion.

I’m looking for a life buoy to keep me afloat. But I know it’s only me who can save me now. I pluck up the courage to keep pulling my way through, each laboured stroke one moment closer to shore, but then each wave crashes and takes me miles more out to sea. Maybe now I just have to give in and let go, ride the rip tide to another shore, find myself on islands untouched so I can put my feet firmly back on solid ground. I need the sun to guide my way as the moons pull is still too strong.

Immortality

I got struck with this feeling today. Little morbid I guess but I don’t mind talking about taboo subjects (they’re only taboo because they either confront people about their own sense of control in their life or they embarrass people because of their own insecurities). I thought if I were to physically die tomorrow and I had set up my little app to keep posting those same pics we all do everyday on Instagram and Facebook, and all those enlightened quotes – I’d go on living in the lives of all those that “keep in touch” from afar through actions I did before I passed. It would probably take a long time before anyone would realise. Until of course it leaked on social media from someone who truly knows you. But theoretically I could live on for many years past my actual expiry date.

A friend of mine died a couple of years ago now, he took his own life and it amazes me to watch on and see the communication keep going on his page. It’s a space now for all those who loved him to voice their woes and deepest thoughts to him. Like a secret meeting place, or hidden journal. It’s really beautiful to know we are not all forgot long after we leave this earthly place. It’s just sad that the love we feel sometimes never gets expressed until the time has run out.

It just really struck a chord with me today. Do any of you still keep in contact with loved ones on the other side through a social media page like that? It’s a beautiful sentiment but then I think, where were we all when they were here in physical form. We get so caught up in our lives and career goals that we sometimes forget to stop and smell the roses 🌹have a laugh, get a little messy or ridiculous and just live. Life is so damn short. Social media isn’t real life and it’s never a true depiction of how someone is doing. Reach out to your friends, be kind to one another and never go to bed on an argument and I’m sure you won’t be disappointed or ever have to take the deepest of regrets to your own grave. The regret of not being there for someone you love, purely from being busy or thinking there’s always time. Make every moment count in the now. Don’t wait for tomorrow as sometimes it never comes xoxoxo

When love finds it hard to grow…

Sleepless nights trying to digest the lies you’ve given. My heart beats faster wondering what to reply, to be upfront or to let it slide yet again.

The hurt you cause is greater than any hurt to just myself. I see you hurt yourself over and over as you lose faith in all, knowing that even you lie to those who love you. I don’t even care so much about what I know you’re actually doing, but I care that you think so little of me that you think lying is the only way.

I’m not a pushy person like I know you think I am but if you lie to me you drive me deeper into my head where I overanalyse, I critique, I judge, because it’s the only thing keeping me sane & having some sense of self respect in that moment. Perhaps it’s just time for me to finally walk away. Saying that almost seems comical to me after running this marathon now for a few years too many. I feel like a failure that couldn’t crack the egg. Yet I know I can’t be that hard on myself, after all you padlocked it with an ever changing code & a web of lies. It’s your doing not mine. How was I ever going to get close enough. You even created a moat around that broken heart of yours.

All I ever wanted from you was for you to be real, some honesty & to share in some fun moments. All I feel has happened has been me tip toeing around trying not to say the wrong thing, which in turn has made me seem nothing like myself. No wonder it is the way it is, no wonder it hasn’t happened.

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