32 years

32 years since I’ve seen your face, since I’ve held your hands or heard your voice. 32 years of longing.

I still remember the twang of electric pain shoot through my body and throat as I heard those words… “he died last night”.

The stillness was deafening, the finality I want to say overwhelming as I slammed the phone down, but so much more than this. I still haven’t found the words, in 32 years of longing.

You were always my safe haven, the ear to listen and the shoulder to cry on. You were my whole world, until my world was swiftly taken.

32 years of longing, and I have still never found respite. Still searching for you in every face, in every day that goes by.

32 years of longing even though my child mind is now grown. 32 years foreboding, waiting for another foot to fall, perhaps my own.

32 years, thiiiirty twoooo yeaaaars, I’ve been longer without than ever with. The moment you left us was the moment I wished to leave too. I knew I’d never find such love again, I just knew.

And 32 years has proven me right. Time and time again. My heart still aches my tears still wet, as I try hold on through the fear.

32 years. 32 years.

September 6, 2025 0

What I really wanted

What I really wanted was for you to bare your soul.

To show me all the little pieces where no one else could go.

I searched for you in every face, in every passer by.

But as the days progressed I could see it was all a waste of time

What I really wanted was for you to crave my soul.

To pick up all those pieces that you spread. Put me back, make me whole.

You never even turned your head to see if I’m still there. As I lay there bleeding from the heartache as you left.

What I really wanted was for you to never leave. To hold me in your arms. Hold me close, just squeeze.

You’ll never understand the love I had that was true. Insecurity ate it up spat it out, you never knew.

I just wanted you to see every good thought and good deed. But everything you twisted into some kind of negativity make believe.

But I meant every word and I meant so much more. Just wanted you to feel I always held open that door.

There was no other man. No other prize. I just wanted you for you. You were perfect in my eyes.

What I really wanted was for you to treat me kind. Not to push me to till I break. Test my waters till I cried.

I wanted nothing more than for you to have your success. Just to see you happy to have nothing but the best.

Instead you moved on. Like I never meant a thing. I guess you’ll never understand just exactly what I was offering.

What I really wanted and all I’ll ever need, it was you all along. No one else could ever supersede.

May 16, 2024 1

A place to hide

Escape before your heart’s alight

That’s what they said to me.

But what’s the point in living on

If love’s nowhere to be seen

Open up and pull me in

I want a space to hide

Away from all our struggles

Away from all these lies

You look right through, but don’t connect It’s like we’re playing games

You move in me. We make amends but

Now I’m cast to sea

Can’t help just what I’m feeling.

Can’t save you from the past.

But today’s the day I walk away

I hope this thing called love will last

July 7, 2020 2

Ocean tides

You are the moon. I’m at the whim of your too and fro. My heart strings dance as you tug them this way then that. I rise and fall gently at first, but the oceans in me have become more turbulent now with each ambivalent step you take.

I can no longer see the shoreline. I am at sea lost and riding the waves. The darkness has fallen around me so I can no longer see it coming, as the waves crash down on top of me. I’m drowning in this ocean tide. A rip taking me so far away from myself that I’m not sure I even have the strength to return. My arms and heart heavy now, trembling with exhaustion.

I’m looking for a life buoy to keep me afloat. But I know it’s only me who can save me now. I pluck up the courage to keep pulling my way through, each laboured stroke one moment closer to shore, but then each wave crashes and takes me miles more out to sea. Maybe now I just have to give in and let go, ride the rip tide to another shore, find myself on islands untouched so I can put my feet firmly back on solid ground. I need the sun to guide my way as the moons pull is still too strong.

April 21, 2020 0