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I’ve gotten so good at pretending, I’ve managed to fool the world that i’m doing OK, have loads of friends and get invited out all the time by people really close to me. I model. I do charity work, creative projects. I have ample money and work. I party with loads of different friends. Yet the reality is me sitting here, tears streaming down my face wondering if anyone actually even truly cares about me at all. If it would be so bad if I just ended my life here and now to be done with the intense pain I feel.

So many people have taken their piece of me, and each time I have fallen in love it has been with someone that never even cared about me to begin with, yet they’ve always happily taken more than they should. It’s made me question myself so much now that I’m paralysed in my anxiety from it all and my level of self doubt. I can’t move forward I can’t move backwards. I smile through when anyone is around as I’m embarrassed to be anything other than a girl that seems to have it all together or at least mostly so. I need to be bright bubbly and polite. I don’t want everyone to hate the mess that my life has turned me into. I have shown my vulnerability over and over again only ever to be left standing in it all alone.

I have a percentage of my life where I have experienced wonderful things for sure, but that portion of my 34 years of life is only a maximum of 5% in total to the hell I have been in or felt the rest of my time here on earth. Each cancer, each person not understanding me, each death, each heartbreak, each anxiety has finally unravelled me so far I can’t even see the start of the thread anymore to pull myself back together. Now I’m just hiding and trying not to be found out but at the same time wanting desperately to be open and have someone understand.

I’m horrified at what I’m writing as I write this and knowing that I’m contemplating posting this just seems like total social suicide which for some reason seems so much worse than actual suicide. I guess because all I really want is to fit in. Looking down on myself I just hope that maybe someone understands this feeling and can appreciate the honesty or at least if people don’t get it, they can be more aware of what real depression and difficulties can do to someone. It’s not always out in the open and obvious. It’s often hidden behind smiles, beautiful social media posts and motivational quotes.

Not everyone is what they seem, i’ve witnessed that in others first hand. Everyone can have a good day just as everyone can have a bad day. Sometimes those bad days join into one long misery, while others have mostly the good days seamlessly strung together into a long and fruitful life.

Always be kind, always be open enough to never hold a grudge. Life is far too short and some will never get a chance to build enough positive memories to look back on a blessed life. We all struggle and some of us show it in different ways, some not at all.

#thisiswhatwritinglookslikewhenyouaredepressed

June 5, 2018 0

All I remember…

All I remember now is how comforting your voice was. The way you would sing to me & read me stories always igniting my curiosity & intellect. You would hold me and make me feel like everything was OK even when it wasn’t.

I used to remember your smell but now I’m not quite sure if it’s just a made up thing in my head. I remember your manicured hands & strong work ethic, even from a kids perspective. You were my rock, my calm amongst the storm, always.

Not being able to say goodbye has always played on my mind these past 25 years, it’s something I thought would fade over time but instead it seems to almost strengthen as remembering the shape of your face seems to fade. It’s why I’m the way I am I guess. I always want to keep in touch with those I love because I’m so scared to ever go through the same trauma of never getting a last goodbye. Maybe that’s why I never have really fit in. You don’t understand loss until someone no longer exists in this world that was apart of your soul. They can move, they can leave you, but when they pass on there is a finality to this knowledge that shakes you to your core and you actually feel the absence of their presence on this earth.

When I was 9 I didn’t think I’d ever be able to even breathe again & just wanted so desperately to be by your side, even if it meant passing on myself. My life didn’t seem worth living without you. I remember picking up that phone to listen in on mum’s conversation only to hear the worst news of my life as you had lost your battle with those hideous treatments. Nobody deserves to fight so long only to lose their fight. I still don’t know why you thought it best to send me away by myself. I would have witnessed the worst most gruesome sights & felt all the pain in the world just to see you again & to be there to at least say goodbye if you had to go.

I was always cranky with myself that as a 9 year old I didn’t fight harder to see you as you laid to rest. I was too polite and I hate that about myself. Nobody would let me near you. I was supposedly being protected when all it did was crush me & make it even harder for me to let go. I felt abandoned & isolated in my misery as I cried myself to sleep every night and every quiet moment in between that I had to myself. Maybe this void I feel will change for the better eventually. I somehow still have hope, but it’s making me tired now. R.I.P dad, I’ll love you always xoxo

June 3, 2018 0

To Nicole, thanks for caring…

I was literally thinking in my head f#ck Sydney. I stared down at the two ripped paper bags that once held my heavy groceries sprawled out on the pavement and the tomato can that was rolling hurriedly out onto the road into oncoming traffic. I had had enough, I was exhausted both mentally and physically from mostly people being dicks to me and having had the recent experience of the ghost from x’s past swirling around my head. I gave in threw my hands up in the air as people walked by and watched me as I mouthed f#ck my life quietly to myself. It’s funny how when everything seems to go wrong in one day, your mind fabulously brings up every issue from your past. Soon my thoughts were reminiscing 4 cancers, a few deaths, losses and just a struggle street life that was dragging me down even further or maybe that had been on repeat this whole week anyway.

I finally with much struggle, managed to scrunch up the torn bags and empty everything from the three bags into one and a tiny backpack. I carried the final bag tenderly trying not to spill the precious yet now dented cargo and proceeded to cross the street. I was done with Sydney, I was done with people that just take from me, I was just done and embarrassingly enough to say was even fantasising necking myself so I didn’t have to wake up for a following day of life’s bullsh#t. Just then as I totally had it all decided on, I see a figure in the dark walking towards me shaking a plastic bag around. At a second glance she was waving it right at me and smiling. She said she’d seen me and the epic bag failure and had run down to the dry cleaners to pick up a plastic bag for me. Omg tears welled in my eyes that I managed to fight back (at least in her presence), I was so stupidly grateful you just can’t even put it into words how grateful I was. Even though I was kind of back on my feet and moving, just the idea of someone, a complete stranger, caring enough to do this for me made me lose it and get all emotional. Her name was Nicole and I’m assuming lived in the Bondi area.

I just wanted to write this little snippet to say a massive thank you once again and to highlight the fact that you truly just never know what a small act of kindness could do for someone, something even deeper than the act itself would seemingly have the power of doing. She was a serious angel sent down in that moment, and I know it sounds over the top to say that and make such a big deal. But it literally saved me on a deeper level than just broken paper bags and groceries. Life is super strange. If you can, always always show compassion. We’re all in this together and kindness doesn’t cost a cent xoxox

April 3, 2018 0

Chatting to strangers…

I just met the most lovely woman while at the Kinghorn Cancer Centre. She was a carer and also had a son that was a carer. She was helping her friend through her session at the cancer centre who had no family to support her, and was told her friend will likely die in the next couple of weeks from an inoperable brain tumour. She said she wasn’t used to being around so many sick people all of the time. She was exhausted, stressed and was also worried about her son who is helping a friend who had become a quadriplegic in the last year. He has been refusing treatments and has become suicidal. She’s giving and giving, and worried about everyone else. I stopped and said to her “but what about you?” Although she didn’t fully acknowledge what I said, her eyes welled with tears as she stoically tried to smile through & laugh off the comment.

So many people in the world right now just have no concept of how good they have it. They have their health, they have the ability to use their limbs, to love and be loved, to choose whatever they wish to do with their day instead of being chained to a hospital waiting room for months on end. They have family who support them and never have to truly feel alone. Please choose wisely when you decide how to spend your day today. Fill it with love, not resentment or hatred. Be open and in doing so maybe make someone else’s day a little brighter. You truly never know the pain someone else is going through from a first glance. Even as I write this I have to remind myself of this thought & pull myself back up out of a depression & down week.

Keep rising xoxo

March 23, 2018 0