Crimson stained tide, sailing the sheets you laid. Entangled bodies, glistening in empty desire. Breath quickens and hearts pound, flooding the satin as she blossoms. Lies uttered to keep the embrace & now the aftermath; mind circling wondering what the point to any of it was as she lay quivering. Why awaken something in a woman with lies? Lies of love, future and promise. Such a juvenile game to play. Games meh, for children. Wasting months on the clock, evaporating precious time in double time. Become a man & speak your truth or you will forever feel as inadequate as you obviously have become. Why attempt such things? Such a low brow way of clutching at a self. Your character a fraud even to yourself. What a sad little way to waste a life & a moment. Gone forever. Never existed & never was.
As the tears steam down my face & my heart sits heavy in my chest an ocean forms around me. My heart anchoring me to the sea floor. My soul swells with all of the guilt, disappointment, heart ache, pain and longing I’ve acquired through this experience we call life. I feel like a tiny damaged boat in this open angry sea. In solitude I find myself riding the massive waves, each wave ready to tear the vessel apart or send me hurtling overboard lost forever. Knuckles white from hanging on to the worn wooden sides, no ores now as all guidance and steering fell overboard a long while ago. I prick myself on a splinter but hold on even tighter embracing the pain, it means I’m still here.
The inertia making me feel ill now I just close my eyes and feel the ache, hoping that my tears will wash some of this feeling away and sail me to a new tomorrow. I feel I can barely speak. Unable to adequately explain myself to anyone to help this ease, I am the unknown, I am alone even when amongst the masses. I give in & give over to the feeling & ask for forgiveness for all the wrong turns and self loathing that I’ve saturated myself in. My intentions have always been pure but the water is muddied now from the abuse, the embarrassment, the secrecy and the longing for love that never came. I would have done anything just to have a sniff of that, but in doing so I buried myself deeper into the lonely abyss. Was I even worthy anymore, I knew I had been, but with each passing year it seemed less and less likely. Peeling back the layers of confidence to be left feeling raw, vulnerable & totally alone.
Maybe it’s my breathing that sends the boat affray, I slow my breath for a moment and go within. In and ouuuut, slowly the peaks and falls smooth and I almost wish I could stop breathing altogether to allow for complete stillness. But life and pain, love and hatred, it’s all that makes our world turn. There is never one without the other, as the absence of one makes them both obsolete. The rise and fall of our breath just as the thump thrump in our chest. It all has a two and fro that creates life itself. Pressure and release. The emptiness and the overflow. The space and the form. We must learn to love where we are, as there can always be the influx after the outflow. We will not always be empty, nor always full.
But maybe just maybe if we believe in each other we can help each other climb out of the dark and balance these tides to still waters. My breath in helping your breath out.
The earth spins, as we feel our minds wander across all of the possibilities that life could be. We unbalance it for a moment. The creative spark igniting the torch, we see all of the possibilities of the future.
We create this ever changing miraculous world we live in, yet sometimes we don’t even realise who is behind the wheel steering us into the tomorrow. We have the opportunity to create such wonderful moments, to rise above all of the destruction we sometimes see. But other times we welcome the disaster.
Perhaps their is beauty in the broken, in the pure release of it all. It’s so honest. So brave. It is a mirror of the strength that our souls carry and gives others hope to know that we can overcome even the darkest of times.
Light is beautiful, but it is only perceived as beauty because of this dichotomy. Perhaps it makes us feel powerful and like we have control. Or perhaps it’s the sheer joy knowing you aren’t in the grips of darkness when you are in fact in the light.
But there is beauty in both and when you see this, our worlds become larger. The possibilities endless and the amount of joy we gain from life, infinite. Never judge in a moment as there are always many shades yet to come. The next may be even brighter than before and even from the darkest night still shines hope