Category: the human condition

Silence

Remain silent & you’ll know exactly what an individual is thinking, because they will make assumptions based on their own thoughts or insecurities & pass them off as observations of their external experience.

But sometimes…

That means a stalemate of two stubborn souls, both waiting in deafening silence for the other to show. One has to break the rule and open a door, or at least a window, voice their thoughts, and if they want more, lean into discomfort, be loud, be clear, to find the bridge back home.

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After thought

It seems the kinder I am the worse I am treated. What a fantastically bizarre conundrum. So the only choices I have really are to continue being myself and being cruelly mistreated, misunderstood and remain alone for all of eternity… Or to change and turn into something vile and reflect back the hatred, avoidance or distain I receive. But the thing is neither of those options make me happy. I never win, in a world where I am constantly told how I have it easy because of how I look or who I am. I never win. Just brought in close enough to be mistreated and then forcefully released again and shunned. Nobody actually knows me, nobody ever bothered to ask, though I am told who I am repeatedly.

This world baffles me, but you know what? I’m not sure I even want to understand why anymore. I am just obviously so different to where life has landed us that I no longer fit in. Like some kind of weird orphaned troll, festering away under my foot bridge of genuine compassion and kindness. I offer it to all those in need, and in turn I am isolated, cut off from society and laughed at for being so naive to be kind to a passer by or to forgive the unforgivable. I am a freak to those that succeed in this lifetime. Every day that rolls on, I feel the sadness rise within, now at my throat choking my words, I feel it reach my neck and dance below my scull ready to envelope all of me. I’m not sure how many breaths I have left before I’m submerged forever unable to take one more step.

After all I have endured, after all I have overcome it will be some tiny insignificant moment that will take me down. Like tripping on a stool or being spoken down to one last time that will obliterate my weary heart. She is barely pumping, so wounded from every insult and careless fumble as she shyly still tries to smile so others can too. It will be something so insignificant, that people will laugh at my ruins and further critique my worth. She should have tried harder, smiled more, reached out more, been more and made more they will say. It will be my fault and I will be forgotten as quickly as I came. Back into the nothingness where thoughts may go to die, into the after. 

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It’s OK

It’s ok to have a freckle on your face

As long as it’s in the perfect place

It’s ok to have curls

All wild and long

Streaming down, but never coming undone

It‘s ok to have some extra fat

As long as it’s placed where you guys want it at

It’s ok to work a medial job

As long as you don’t mind being called a bogan slob

It’s ok to be short

As long as you wish to not date

It’s ok to have small breasts

As long as you understand your unsexy fate

It’s ok to be very old

As long as you wish to be alone

It’s ok to be a poor man

As long as you wish to never own your home

It’s ok to be ill

It’s ok to be sick in the head

As long as you afford the drugs

But don’t expect sympathy lying in your bed

It’s ok to be many things

But mostly it’s just not

It’s always easier for the other

But if it’s you, it’s not

Try and think outside your space

Just consider another’s shoes

Would you really walk much further

Could you really choose?

Sometimes things are out of reach

No matter what we do

So be a little kinder dear

You’ve got nothing else to prove

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What I really wanted

What I really wanted was for you to bare your soul.

To show me all the little pieces where no one else could go.

I searched for you in every face, in every passer by.

But as the days progressed I could see it was all a waste of time

What I really wanted was for you to crave my soul.

To pick up all those pieces that you spread. Put me back, make me whole.

You never even turned your head to see if I’m still there. As I lay there bleeding from the heartache as you left.

What I really wanted was for you to never leave. To hold me in your arms. Hold me close, just squeeze.

You’ll never understand the love I had that was true. Insecurity ate it up spat it out, you never knew.

I just wanted you to see every good thought and good deed. But everything you twisted into some kind of negativity make believe.

But I meant every word and I meant so much more. Just wanted you to feel I always held open that door.

There was no other man. No other prize. I just wanted you for you. You were perfect in my eyes.

What I really wanted was for you to treat me kind. Not to push me to till I break. Test my waters till I cried.

I wanted nothing more than for you to have your success. Just to see you happy to have nothing but the best.

Instead you moved on. Like I never meant a thing. I guess you’ll never understand just exactly what I was offering.

What I really wanted and all I’ll ever need, it was you all along. No one else could ever supersede.

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