Immortality

I got struck with this feeling today. Little morbid I guess but I don’t mind talking about taboo subjects (they’re only taboo because they either confront people about their own sense of control in their life or they embarrass people because of their own insecurities). I thought if I were to physically die tomorrow and I had set up my little app to keep posting those same pics we all do everyday on Instagram and Facebook, and all those enlightened quotes – I’d go on living in the lives of all those that “keep in touch” from afar through actions I did before I passed. It would probably take a long time before anyone would realise. Until of course it leaked on social media from someone who truly knows you. But theoretically I could live on for many years past my actual expiry date.

A friend of mine died a couple of years ago now, he took his own life and it amazes me to watch on and see the communication keep going on his page. It’s a space now for all those who loved him to voice their woes and deepest thoughts to him. Like a secret meeting place, or hidden journal. It’s really beautiful to know we are not all forgot long after we leave this earthly place. It’s just sad that the love we feel sometimes never gets expressed until the time has run out.

It just really struck a chord with me today. Do any of you still keep in contact with loved ones on the other side through a social media page like that? It’s a beautiful sentiment but then I think, where were we all when they were here in physical form. We get so caught up in our lives and career goals that we sometimes forget to stop and smell the roses 🌹have a laugh, get a little messy or ridiculous and just live. Life is so damn short. Social media isn’t real life and it’s never a true depiction of how someone is doing. Reach out to your friends, be kind to one another and never go to bed on an argument and I’m sure you won’t be disappointed or ever have to take the deepest of regrets to your own grave. The regret of not being there for someone you love, purely from being busy or thinking there’s always time. Make every moment count in the now. Don’t wait for tomorrow as sometimes it never comes xoxoxo

November 9, 2018 1

I knew…

I walked straight into your eyes, pools of light that made me high. You held me tight and told me why there was no reason to fight or fear.

But night soon came, I was doomed from the start. I knew this already with my broken heart. We danced in moonlight, bare skin, glistening bright. You moved in me and took me high.

As our bodies melted, your lips eased my soul. My neck all a quiver. Skin now brailed with gold.

I wish you hadn’t come. I was doomed from the start and who’s here now to mend my sobering heart?

I trusted words knowing all too well, they were words to entice, not words to uphold.

I retreat now back into the dark, away from the bright lights of promise, away from that spark.

I knew that I was doomed from the start.

August 14, 2018 0

You are free

To those of us who understand what forever means, that understand the true meaning of permanence and that have felt the heart ache of a diagnosis that changes years or entire life times rather than just weeks or months of a life. You are a soldier, fighting a battle that no one sees but it’s immensity weighs in your every thought and breath. You are stronger than you could ever quantify in words or award in grand gestures. You have a gift that in this world most can’t appreciate.

An inspiration to the few that can fully feel the burden you bear and see the wonderment in your nobel actions and achievements. Your soul pristine white and glowing from the inside. There is a reason you’ve been chosen for such an epic battle and it is because your soul can teach so much to those still in the dark. You light their way but in doing so, just as any torch, your form must burn into nothingness until the last drop of light is extracted.

May your light live on in the people’s lives that you’ve touched, like a fire which spreads from the burning embers and from this may your form evolve into something far more beautiful than this earthly place could have ever imagined for you. You have surpassed and risen above all the insignificant wantings of a human. You are free

(I wrote this thinking of a friend that lost their battle with cancer) R.I.P xoxox

July 2, 2018 0

Out on the water

By chance we met that day, but it felt something more like fate. Like every accident, hiccup and suspected wrong turn, every relationship gone wrong, had all led me back here to you & it was the most glorious place to find myself. I felt free, I felt unstoppable, I felt like the real me before the world had gotten to me. The little hairs stood up on the back of my neck. There was instant electricity that sparked between us, it was like two magnets getting drawn together and everyone around us noticed the glow from our spark.

I never could have imagined something so perfect happening, but there I was starring into the eyes of this man, you, who turned my world around and made me feel incredible again. You made me feel like there was a possibility to be happy again in love. That maybe I could have my very own little piece of a fairy tale and meet a soul mate that just got me & I got them.

I want to be able to pause my story there & give a happily ever after but life has never seemed to be so straight with me or warm. Perhaps there is still a chance, or maybe my fears are proven correct once again. I think I merely speak too soon & get swept up in the emotion of it all when I feel so deeply. It catches me by surprise and I become shocked at my own reactions to things as my mind leaves my body.

I wish I had of just bit my tongue & held off on speaking out any of my feelings, or at least that you could have understood that it didn’t come out exactly how it was meant. I knew it wasn’t the time to say these things, but you queried my inner ramblings as I looked thoughtfully towards you. I just got carried away with the moment of feeling hope flood my heart again. No final decisions, expectations or grand romantic gestures. Just the feeling of peace, excitement and wonder. I was home.

I had been white knuckling my life for many years with all that has been thrust upon me in my life and so the build up and release of emotion was more than it should have been. I am the woman you met in that initial moment – Carefree, confident, relaxed, open & quick witted. I feel I stifled the spark and I’m sorry for that like you wouldn’t believe. Please don’t make a final judgement on us from one single glitch. Know that it was merely just a heart opening for the first time in many years & like a small child taking their first steps she stumbled & crashed head on carelessly into you.

She will be patient yet again, she is strong, she is independent and able. She was just naive & got caught up in the possibility of it all. She never meant to scare you

June 29, 2018 0